Friday, October 31, 2008

I Have to Do What?!??!!

OK so about a year and a half ago I rescued this cute little thoroughbred-cross. He is a scrumptious blood bay with a cute perfect blaze. A BEAUTY!! So every day I would work with him, and at first I'd thought that we had actually bonded. He is very in your face and lovey, wants attention to the point where if you're working on something else he may need to go to a different pasture. I felt great!!! This horse was going to be a dressage prospect. He has an amazing floaty natural trot. Something that just blows your mind, like where in the hell did this come from???? So anyway, as I continued my progress with him I one decided it was time to tack him up and get ready be backed. He stood like a gentlemen for the saddling and bridling, he was amazing while being lunged. I was so in love. So I worked with him for about 15 minutes of putting a bit of weight into the stirrup, jumping up and down next to the saddle, smacking the seat of the saddle. I did this for over 3 days. I ground drove him to make sure he knew what his brakes were. He was doing amazing! So I was finally to the point where I could stand in my left stirrup and it didn't bother him one bit. Well after all that time of getting him ready, it was an awesome Monday night and I was going to mount this horse this time! I was going to out both of my feet in the stirrups and by golly he'd have had a person on him... I got him as planned after going through our routine, of lunging and such. He stood for a minute...and took the fuck off. BRONCO STYLE!!! I jumped off of him while his butt was all the way in the air and when came down I actually landed on my feet, but then my left ankle blew out... the owner of the barn was there, and so she and her hubby took me to the ER where they confirmed my shattered ankle. How was it that something I was so sure of blew up in my face like??? So long story short, I had to get surgery and was our for 3 months. Once I could ride again, I began training again with NO problems. Ah hell I'd get on any damn horse out there. But one... I knew that one day I'd have to get back on that wily bastard that broke me instead of the other way around LOL!! So after some more time I finally got him tacked up again as if nothing had ever happened. Everything was going fabulous! Until I went to get on him. I was "Really? I have to fucking do this??" OMG that damn horse had my number and I was about to PISS myself. there was no way I could get back on him. He'd kill me for sure this time. Wouldn't he. I stood there on that mounting block for over 45 minutes *shaking*, while he stood patiently beside me. WTF?!?!? "OK come on you an do this" "come on, Come On, COME ON!!!!!!" Finally I was able to get my foot into the stirrup and lean some pressure on him, all the while my heart is guaranteed to tear from my chest. "FUCK, I do this ALL the time! What's the big damn deal?!?!?! Get on the HORSE!!!" Oh god, this is what people pay me to do?!?! *sweating* I've done this a 1,000 times if I've done it once *white knuckle* Ok so after standing there next to him like a big puss, I finally just went all in. I got on him, and do you know what he had the nerve to do?!?!?!?!? NOTHING!!! :):):):) he stood there like a perfect gentlemen and has been fabs ever since. But, OMG I'll never forget what that day felt like. The fear, the worry and the long awaited relief! We trainers can certainly have days just like everyone else where we feel as though we my actually piss ourselves LMAO!!!!!! It certainly isn't a bad thing for anybody though :):):) this is definitely how I felt about horses that day!!

Could We Be any Cuter!!?!?!?!?

Happiest Halloween to evryone!! Let's have a bit of fun today!!!! I LOVE these guys what good sports!!!

OMG! Too stinkin' Cutes!!

Love that Hat!!!!!

LMAO!! They are soooo Cute!!

My FAVORITE!!!! Scuba Horse!!!!

Have a Fabulous Halloween Everyone!!!!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

OOOOH Now I'm Annoyed

OK so up here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest we have a couple of fine establishments that we like to call "auction houses". As if THEY alone are not a big enough pain in our horse loving asses. We have THESE PEOPLE! The Horse Auction Threateners!!! They're by far a very DUMB group of people. You will find these people on Craigslist ALL the fucking time a couple days before an auction. Example??? Here's one!!! They "must" sell this horse before Sunday or *gasp* it's going to the auction! You really think that threatening to take your horse will sell it any faster? You know, I frequent the auction regularly as do A LOT of people I know and that I am friends with, and we are all there with pretty much the same thoughts too... "DAMN IT I need to win the LOTTO so I can save all these poor horses!!!" Ugh, the truth is as we all know that sometimes that's just not possible. So HOW DARE these people place an ad THREATENING to take their horse to the auction so we'll hurry up and rescue it before it goes to that awful place! Oh yes but first you're going to try and charge $2,000 for a FUCKING GRADE HORSE because some irresponsible assclown lost the papers. Some people have fucking balls! Just because it ONCE had papers as you are "claiming" does not mean jack. Horse sellers are notorious LIARS!!! I know for a FACT that a lot of us support different rescue groups like S.A.F.E and rejoice when dumb bitches get thrown in jail for horse abuse like Jean Elledge, but the sad truth is that we can't get to them all. Especially in this economy, people are having a hard time GIVING horses away. Of course these "Auction Threateners" also coincide with another group I absolutely can NOT STAND!!! The "I have a twenty-fucking-four year old horse, that I've used and abused and now that it's really old I don't want to take care of it so I'll just DUMP it off on someone else" Example You know, I bet that poor old mare or gelding probably gave you it's ALL. Let you booger eating kids climb and play all over him. Took you to your first show, trail ride. Gave you your first blue ribbon, and now, because it's too OLD and "useless" you want to dump it off??? OOOOOH I LOATHE YOU!!! You should never be able to own another horse if that's how you treat them... Use 'em til they're useless huh?!?! NOW believe me, we all know that there are some circumstances in which we have no control over that may force us to part with our beloved pals, and if I've posted your ad and you're one of the "exceptions" I apologize. BUT, for those fine people who are just A-holes!! You can Kiss our A$$!!

What's happened to the Horse Trainer????

What REALLY makes a trainer??? You know it's so damn funny because on craigslist every 19 yr old and their mom claims to be a horse trainer. I remember growing up and you had to be truly worth your salt. It was a NON optional program! Oh, and ATTITUDE meant ZERO! I've ridden under some of the BIGGEST god damn assholes on the PLANET, but they were some of the best! They wouldn't be nice if meant saving their own lives LOL!!! They'd tell you to lose weight, make you drop your stirrups over a 3'6 course, "get your fat ass up there", oh and that was the nice stuff. The more you messed up the more they thrived on it! BUT, the better you became. You had no choice, it really was GO BIG OR GO HOME! And they would sure as hell tell you that. NOW though, we have clients, who like to pussy foot around, "I think horses are pretty and hubby bought me one, but I don't have a clue what I'm doing DUHHHH" or maybe as trainers we've become to PC. Too afraid to piss anyone off. The meanest most bad ass trainers when I was younger had the LONGEST waiting lists of people begging to get in! What about the TRULY Badass riders out there who aren't afraid to get dirty or do a little work? (I LOVE you guys by the way!!) They can sometimes get stuck trying to find a GOOD trainer while sifting through all these fucking teenagers!!!! Now you have these people who think that just because they can ride, they're capable of training a horse, or you! YIKES!!! That is also when the most damage occurs. At one of the facilities I train out of, there is another girl who is literally 19, and anyway she "trains" horses and gives lessons, to 1 person a week up there. And I watch her and I'm usually pretty fucking irritated by the time she's finished. She thinks that teaching a horse to lower it's head to perform the fucking "see saw" on it's mouth. Or grab the harshest western bit with the longest damn shanks made, because the horse "won't" stop. She also rides like a god damn ogre, yikes. She LOVES to rip on your horses face AND spur the fuck out of them at the same time too! Because you know that teaches them a lot!!! YIEEEE that's a "trainer?" Eeeep... Oh and if that's just not enough she has excellent people skills! She's mean!!! Not "I'm mean because I'm trying to help you mean" Just a fucking BITCH for fun... and people pay her for that. WOW, I guess it's one thing if you're at least a decent trainer, but damn. She's truly the epitome of all I hate in a horse person. There are times where I may be little too "abrupt" for some people, but then again I'm not a perfect fit for everyone." When finding a trainer for you or your horse you want to make sure that they are a good fit for you guys. I have fabulous "horse family" that respects me and is VERY loyal. We're all very close and love to have fun, and I would do anything for them to make their horse experiences top NOTCH, but that is a dedication that I have always made, and it has paid off BIG TIME!!! So my fellow horse friends when you are looking for a trainer pretty please watch them ride, look at the facility, look at their tack, you know what type of bit are they using? How harsh are the spurs? ETC...especially talk to their other clients and LOOK at the horses. Watch the horses activity. Do they seem happy? Distressed? Fearful? There are way too many of you awesome horse lovers to get fucked by some loser ass wannabe "trainer". Those of you who already have fab trainers? Give 'em a hug!! They may look at you funny at first, but it's all good!!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Horse Husband

Ahhhh yes the horse husband. MOST of our significant others would really rather have ZIPPO to do with our insane obsessive love of these 4 legged beasts. BUT, as any woman knows when we smell of hay, sweat, manure, and that sweet amazing smell of horse, we feel there is nothing better, a truly Indescribable experience. For the others in our lives however, they would like nothing more than for there to be an automatic, horsey smell defunker right outside the front door. HOWEVER, there is an exception to the "typical" scared, confused, left out horse husband and this "The HorseMAN Husband." Now typically, this is how this particular breed of man sees himself; Dressed in black on his beautiful black stallion rearing and riding off into the beautiful sunset. My boyfriend for example, when he first EVER sat on a horse, was on one of my most DEAD-ASS broke mares in existence. When he got on her for the first time, he immediately took off in a "gallop" (actually a lope.) LMAO!!! Then after "galloping" for a few minutes he notices a very tiny cross rail set up, no bigger than 6 inches off the ground, and as he merely LOPES over it, he's yelling "HELL YES!! I'VE JUST JUMPED!!!! You guys see that shit?!" Then he runs over to his friend so they can do the chest bump. *JOKING* (There was no actual chest bumpage that occured, but oh I'm sure it crossed his mind!) So anyway as he's yelling about his AMAZING dare devil jumping skills I'm thinking *sigh* No darling, no you didn't. But try telling him that. To this day when he talks about it he claims it was a minimum 2 feet! *snork!* What the fuck ever! LOL! The real TRUTH of the matter is, is that he, like ALL men of this type, have the Zorro complex. And that they should be named Pro Horseman of the Year 2008!!! LMAO!! I have a student whose husband truly believes he's a Pro rider, trainer, vet, farrier, and god only knows what else. He rides a VERY old insanely well trained mare, so of course, AGAIN he thinks he is god's gift to horseback. It's even better when I'm trying to give his wife lessons and he chimes in with his nonsense blabber that he sees as "training tips." Um SWEETIE! You can NOT take things that you've read out of a book, or heard me say like a month ago, repeat it, and think that makes you an expert. UGH! But, aside for our favorite men (our stallions and geldings) these 2 legged creatures come in at a close second, and I would never try to break their hearts by telling them that this is what they REALLY look like. LOL!!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

LMAO You want to train your horse to do WHAT?!?!?!?!

PEOPLE PLEASE!!! What are we doing?!?!? Here are just a FEW of the gems that I know that are out there that make me ask WTF!?!?!?!?!?!? Ok here we GO!!!! Um Why??? Why is this necessary? Well no one will know because it's all in Polish. YIKES!!!! This guy is WANTING his horse to step on him!!! Fuck...

OOOH here is what we have a classic example of the OVERFLEX!! Quit trying to pose for the fucking camera, and watch your horse ya ASS!!

Facility "seems" decent, but WOW what a picture to use as your promo for training techniques.

Ok so truly I'm NOT trying to be some downer about EVERYTHING, but when it comes to teaching your horse those dumbass tricks that it seems you can't live without WHY must you ad this one to your repertoire?? The Rear trick??? You know I work long and hard to PREVENT shit like this from happening, and you're going to teach your horse to do it on purpose?? There was a QH Gelding I was training once and I guess somewhere along the lines the owner thought it would be cool to teach the horse to rear. Well the horse's command for rear was raising up your hands. So one day as I'm getting ready to get on, I have my left foot in the stirrup I'm halfway up and someone in front of me lifts there hands. So guess where the fuck I ended up??? Hey ASSCLOWNS, leave this trick to the Lipizzaner's at the Spanish Riding School in Vienna, and not your fucking backyard. THANKS!!! head

So as a trainer I get the privilege to work with some of the world's finest...fucking kids. Ugh, I like kids, but here's the thing about mixing kids and horses. You have 2 types. The first type is the kid who will do ANYTHING to be near a horse, do whatever you say and absorb knowledge like a sponge!! They are fearless and they're ready to gallop off into the sunset before they've ever even seen their first piece of tack. *sigh* Oh I love those kids. BUT the majority of them are these kids. Oh my god people!!!! I am NOT a babysitter!! Believe me after spending a mere 5 minutes with these lovelies I can see why mom and dad drop 'em and run away for an hour. Oh I shudder even thinking about it. They scream because they want to ride, and then once they get on they're frozen. Why are they frozen? Because they spent so much god damn time TALKING OVER EVERY FUCKING THING YOU WERE TRYING TO SAY!!!! "I love ponies, I want a pony, my mom sez, my dad sez" Oh heaven help me. Here's a prime example. So I am fortunate enough to have a student whose daughter suddenly wanted lessons. OK doesn't SEEM like a big deal right? Cute little toe-headed 8 yr old? FUCKING CHATTERBOX!!!!! Oh and when she's NOT chattering about something completely asinine, she's NOT paying a fuck's worth of attention to me. She's worried about the conversations I've having with her mom, or what the other kids are doing. She screams and cries when things don't go her way either. Oh you spoiled BITCH! So one day she's riding her mom's horse and lil miss hot-fucking-shot decides to go ahead and try trotting when we were simply working on STEERING for god's sake. So as I'm screaming "NO, STOP" in which feels like a slow-mo movie scene, her horse takes off into the trot, which then triggers a blood curdling scream from the blob on the back of poor horse. When you scream on the back of a horse by the way, IT SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF THEM!! So the poor horse trotted faster. Aye-yi, so when we finally got the mare stopped, the little girl could NOT stop screaming and crying for at least 20 minutes, she didn't even fall OFF!!! Oh and do you think she learned her lesson? Oh god no, she still talks over me and screams and cries ALL the time, but NOW she refuses to ANYTHING except walk in circles. What the fuck do you do with a student who doesn't want to do anything?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhh Patience is a virtue my friends, and let me tell you, it's sure as hell isn't a virtue I have!!!!

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Perfect Horse

Is there such a thing as the "perfect horse"?? Well actually in a round about way... yes. Yes there is. Well now how can that be possible? Well my dear friends here is how it works. There is a perfect horse for everyone out there. However what may be "perfect for you, will not be perfect for someone else. I have a student who owns an 8 year old QH mare. Bred to the HILT!!!! Sweet, kind, excellent conformation, everything you'd be looking for in a horse right? WRONG, this mare can be a she-devil under saddle, she won't canter, and she used to have quite the rearing problem. People would ask my student all the time "why do you bother, why do you keep at her?" Well she keeps going because #1 the rearing problem happened to be an ill-fitting cinch, and #2 her lack of canter was due to the fact that she was never properly trained how. Yet to my student and her horse have a mutual understanding and respect for each other. My student likes the challenge and the mare likes to BE challenged. So they work beautifully together! Everyone has there own niche for that certain type of horse; the sassy, the dead broke, green, advanced, mare, gelding, old, young. Whatever it is it's out there and when they find it, they've never been happier!!! You've got to think outside the box and realize that horses have their own personalities too. It's like this. People become infatuated with a person when they have the type of attitude and personality that complements their own, so why would your horse be any different? Yes people of the horse world, there really is a horse for every rider out there!!! The thing to remember is to just not SETTLE for any old thing. Take your time and romance the situation just as you would in your own personal life. You'll have a much better partnership and long lasting relationship with your four legged friend if you do!!!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

You Want to Charge What?!?!?!?!

Um... Ok so here we have an ad on for this here fine 5 year old "just imported" Hanoverian Gelding... and you can have this gem for the low low price of $35,000!! WOW what a STEAL! For a horse that can't even pick up it's god damn legs over a 2 foot jump. Oh and by the way if your are going to advertise your horse for this price in this market, let's say we take a better picture shall we?!?!?!

OOOHH Damn it I'm so jealous, I wish all my students had this AWESOME FUCKING EQUITATION!! I should find her and try to emmulate her riding techniques because let me tell you, they are bar none just damn ROCKING!!! ARRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!! Oh yes and I should mention, this lovely pony is also for sale for $3500. Truth be told, this pony MAY actually be worth his salt, his rider however leaves something to be desired...

Ok, now here we a have an absolutely beautiful Andalusian mare. Seems normal... ok here's what is NOT normal, her foal is for sale, for $15,000 and it is STILL IN UTERO!!!! Now supposedly this foal will be a great dressage "prospect" because it will be coming from "Champion bloodlines" Um... NO assholes!!! That foal could come out looking like Quasi-fucking-modo and you want me to pay $15,000 for something that I have never seen nor do I know jack ass shit about...WOW good luck to you, oh and if any of you out there are dumb enough to buy a horse like that, then you will certainly get what you deserve!!!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Things That Fucking Scare ME!!!!!!

Ahhh the things you'll find on Dream Horse... Ok So when in the HELL has it been ok to jump without a helmet??? Oh really are you that good that you don't need one??? Yeah you probably also don't NEED to raise your stirrups and flatten your back either, ya fuck... OW my head hurts...

OOOOOHH I love jumping 2 foot fences whilst LAYING ON MY HORSES DAMN NECK!!!!! Idiot!!

Um.... Seriously??? Is this a fucking joke???? Do I even need to comment on this???

Oh and of course we CAN NOT live with out the "Look at me and my so perfect horse that I can stand on him to look badass!!" You ma'am are a douche' bag!! Thank you!

Do I really Hate your horse???

Hmmmm, whenever you make a statement such as this I'm sure there is alot of flack to follow, so here is your one and only explanation... No, I do NOT hate your horse. I do however, hate what you do to your horse. When you think you are a trainer and that you KNOW IT ALL and you really just end up fucking your horse beyond belief, only to call me and other trainers like me, to fix this psychotic mess that you call a "showhorse", "trail horse", or "like I give a damn horse". Yeah that's right I said it. I'm the one who has to then get on the damn thing and correct everything you "did". There are of course FABULOUS owners out there and good breeders and of course we'll honor them too, but for the most part, lets get to ripping!!! WELCOME!!!!!